As some of you may have noticed, I’ve been keeping a low profile recently. I’ve been struggling with everyday life and thought being quiet for a while would be better. Today I thought I would share my story with you, an update on my life.
Depression can be different for everyone. It can do different things to different people, some deal with it better in every day life but no matter what, depression is serious and is no laughing matter. It should be taken more seriously and mental health needs more awareness and I hope one day, everyone realises that it’s not just for attention.
The key signs of depression is sadness, loss of interest, fatigue. Other symptoms can vary from weight loss/gain to suicidal thoughts.Depression can change a person completely. A person that was once happy, full of humour and energy can turn into a bitter, lonely, miserable person seeing the once colourful world in a different way, a dull black and white world.
My feelings started years ago, being a shy girl with very low self-esteem and confidence. I always struggled to fit in perfectly, in school, college, with friends and especially new people. I close up almost like a snail in it’s shell, I feel safe inside.
I always felt like people were judging me. Boys never fancied me and I was never popular. I always had a great group of friends but we drifted apart as I left for college. Suffering with acne since I was 11 hasn’t helped whatsoever, the one place every single person looks at, the face, and mine was enough to make people ill. At least that’s what I once thought anyway. As I grew up, I had to deal with more problems, so by now I don’t care about my spots, blackheads, small lips and big nose. If people judge me on my appearance, they don’t deserve to know the real me!
When I was 10, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. Nearly 10 years of suffering and practically living at the hospital. That was my life as a teenager. This caused me to become an angry, bitter person. But for 10 years I covered it up, I locked those feelings away in the prison up in my head so my mum would have the almost perfect daughter. I couldn’t be such a selfish person knowing my mum was going through that. Everyone knew me as the happy, funny, helpful person, but most of the time it was all an act.
Nearly 10 years passed, my mum passed away. Time was up for the feelings in the prison up in my head. They were released. They were stronger and more than itching to come out. I became a horrible person. I quit my new job as I hated it. I pushed people who served no purpose in my life away. I hated everyone, hated everything, but most of all, I hated myself.
A year since my mother’s death and I have learnt so much about myself, seen myself in a whole different perspective. I have had suicidal thoughts as I thought I served no purpose, I wanted to be with mum, away from all the pain, at peace. But she suffered for 10 years and didn’t ask for any of it, what would that make me? a coward? selfish? whatever that makes me, thinking about mum has saved me, along with the help from Luke my boyfriend who has never put pressure on me and never forced me to do and say anything. I only added that as some girls think that’s why I’ve changed, what they don’t realise is I’ve got a loving, caring and supportive boyfriend unlike the guys they have been with.
I still get my down days. But they happen less often now thankfully. Recently I decided to change my life at a slow pace. I started this blog, which has made me a different person. Kind and supportive people comment on my posts, making me feel on top of the world! I applied to study Administration at college in September, a complete change of career. I started reading, it takes me to a different world and gets my mind working. I went back to my first job a couple of weeks ago (chip shop), to help out while some staff were off, this helped me talk to people again and find a little bit of confidence that I so desperately needed!
Although I’m a very lonely, empty person still suffering with a little bit of depression, mostly anxiety, I’m starting to slowly love myself again. I still get the odd sleepless night, lazy days with no motivation to do anything, mood swings, pushing people away, but that’s okay. I’m still battling this, I still have two little people called Depression and Anxiety on my shoulders, but I’m coping with it better.
I can count the people I trust on one hand, but that’s okay, at least I have these people to turn to and talk to.
For anyone battling depression or anxiety, I promise you it will get better. I’m still on the road to recovery but I have come a long way compared to the state I was in a few months ago/this time last year. Take little steps and take your time. If people don’t understand, explain to them. And if those people don’t support you like they should, cut them out of your life. Trust me, your life will be a better and positive place! Don’t let anyone tell you what to do or boss you around, do what makes YOU happy!
“Time is a great healer..”
Thank you for reading this post! I love all of you who are supportive of my blog, you motivate me to write more and continue to keep it going! If you have any questions or want to share your own experience, please feel free to comment, I would love to hear from you! x